Roadkill has feelings too.

You'd think that the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals had plenty of important work to do, with cockfighting being legal in all of 3 states these days and my neighbor dressing her dog up in ridiculous sweaters, but apparantly they don't. Recently the SPCA has taken to fighting people who promote cruelty to animals instead of people who are actually cruel to animals. Recent target: Kraft Foods. Upon hearing this most people would think that perhaps Kraft had done something actually cruel, like forcing chicks to watch as hens were plucked for dinner, but apparantly this is no longer cruel. Kraft committed a much graver crime: They marketed a fruit snack shaped like road kill. (Dramatic pause for effect).

TRENTON, New Jersey (AP) -- Animal rights activists are disgusted by a new candy from Kraft Foods Inc. that's shaped like critters run over by cars -- complete with tire treads.

The fruity-flavored Trolli Road Kill Gummi Candy -- in shapes of partly flattened snakes, chickens and squirrels -- fosters cruelty toward animals, according to the New Jersey Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.

"It sends the wrong message to children, that it's OK to harm animals. And that's the wrong message, especially from a so-called wholesome corporation like Kraft," said society spokesman Matthew Stanton.

The society is considering petition drives, boycotts and letter-writing campaigns to get the candy pulled from the market, Stanton said.

After receiving a complaint from the NJSPCA Wednesday, Kraft officials pulled an animated advertisement from Trolli's Web site that featured car headlights and animals.

No other decisions on changes have been made, said Kraft spokesman Larry Baumann.

"If you look across the Gummi category we certainly have many products that are offbeat, and that's what we were doing in this case," Baumann said. "We didn't mean to offend anyone."

That's right folks, Kraft had the nerve to market a candy shaped like roadkill. Apparantly roadkill have feelings, too, and the SPCA is there to prevent injury. Apparantly allowing children to eat things (vegetarian things, nonetheless) shaped like roadkill is more damaging than actually eating roadkill (empirical data from West Virginia is forthcoming). How eating roadkill shaped candy encourages children to run over animals is beyond me, given that most children who still enjoy fruit snacks are five to ten years away from driving. Perhaps the modern Power Wheel has more power than I thought.

If the SPCA has nothing better to do than attack a candy for promoting animal cruelty, maybe the SPCA has been so successful as to work itself out of a job? No, strike that, the SPCA still has plenty of work to do: my neighbor is still knitting dog sweaters, I smashed a cockroach in my office this morning, and rumor has it that my boss is currently thinking about running over a snake on his way home.

Hugs and kisses,
The Bitter Libertarian

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