I watched a documentary the other day—something I spend an embarrassing amount of time doing. It was one of those apocalyptic, the earth is dying, Al Gore rules and on and on.
Yet it made perfect sense—that the earth was designed to support a billion people, but then mankind discovers OIL (consider it pockets of ancient sunshine, or energy) and now the earth can support a billion times infinity people, and thus we start pro-creating and pumping tons of human beings out into the ample pits of the black liquid sunshine that abounds.
But there’s a catch according to this documentary. There always is.
The oil is running out (or going peak as the experts call it). Peak oil, described as half the oil on earth being tapped. So. Now, the earth is over saturated with people who consume and over tax this natural earth life giving support.
In my analytical mind the answers start pouring in like used sludge, and it’s not long before I conclude… wait for it…wait for it…
We just need to start killing off worthless motherfuckers. YEA! You’ve seen them, there fucking everywhere! Worthless mother fuckers abound. They’re the ones who don’t know how to accelerate in merge lanes—the dumb fucks who always come to a complete stop. Let’s off these bastards and hog our fair share of the ancient liquid fucking sunshine!
But wait. There’s a problem with this theory. Fuck, there always is.
The problem is that progressives have spent our share of money for the next two hundred and fifty fucking million years on worthless fucking programs. Thus, we need these worthless, medicated, non-driving mother fuckers to pay taxes! Fuck.
Has this set in with you yet? Have you glimpsed the raw fucking implications of this deal? No? Well let me clear it up. That jackoff co-worker who doesn’t do shit but talk to his slut girlfriend all day, take long lunches and toss your boss’s salad is the only thing in between you and the Chinese motherfuckers owning your silly ass.
You need him.
But wait, my analytical mind demands…let’s put these fucks to work in factories to produce porn toys and pay off the Chinese. Nope. That won’t work because unions will jump in and demand that we pay the fucks 10 times their worth. Then progressives will set regulations that we can’t chain the doors shut, and that the dildo manufacturing equipment will have to meet some fucking unrealistic safety measure.
Worse yet, they’ll spend our money having staff meetings (yuck) about how we have to insure these worthless cattle, and the EPA will have their say about dildo dust getting into the landfills. OSHA will chime in that we’ll have to provide safety glasses so the dumb fucks don’t poke out there eyes with the anal plugs and then we’re back to fucking zero again.
Fuck. Wait…nope, that’s it.